How To Have a Good Talk With Yourself: Uncovering Self-Compassion in a Culture of Competitiveness

What is self-compassion and how does it help us?

Self-compassion is a concept that involves treating oneself with kindness, care, and understanding, especially in times of failure or difficulty. It is about acknowledging one's own humanity and embracing imperfections without harsh self-judgment. Building resilience through self-compassion is essential in navigating the challenges life presents to us.

But this simple need is often overlooked in our day-to-day lives. The drive to get ahead hijacks our sensibilities, and along the way, we put more effort into succeeding than staying whole.

Research has shown that people who practice self-compassion are better equipped to handle setbacks, bounce back from failures, improve teamwork, and have greater job satisfaction. Instead of being self-critical or engaging in negative self-talk, they offer themselves the same warmth and support they would give a friend in a similar situation. This self-soothing attitude helps develop emotional strength and resilience, enabling you to face challenges with a more positive mindset. A key to treating yourself well is allowing yourself to be flexible and spontaneous while self-forgiving.

The Importance of Spontaneity and Flexibility

Anxiety and overfocusing on goals are inversely connected to being flexible and spontaneous.  Although there are numerous healthy ways to reduce anxiety, such as exercise, meditation, healthy eating, adequate sleep, rest, and yoga, there is also the very real practice of finding ways to increase your spontaneity and flexibility to reduce anxiety naturally. 

The technique you will learn below is aimed at this. Being more self-accepting and soothing about your situation allows you to reclaim your calm and harvest your wholeness. Trying to get ahead while not being self-compassionate is like stepping on the gas when you have very little fuel in the tank. You’ll go faster to reach your destination, but you’ll likely run out of gas. The prudent approach is to refuel.

Self-care is essential—especially because we live in a culture of a constant churn of competition with ourselves and others. However, self-care tends to take a back seat when success is equated with long hours, high productivity, and relentless pursuit of goals. If you are in a position where you have responsibility without power, stress and eventual burnout are nearly inevitable.

To combat these pressures, the usual suggestions are to take breaks, set boundaries, and engage in activities that bring joy and relaxation. These are the typical recommendations if you want to perform better, stay motivated, and run the marathon that is your life.

Obstacles and Misconceptions with in Self-Compassion

However, there are two major obstacles to this advice. One is the common misconception that self-compassion is selfish or self-indulgent. Yet prioritizing oneself is not about neglecting others but about recognizing one's own needs and well-being. By caring for oneself, you can become better equipped to support and help others effectively. To do this, you must believe that caring for yourself isn’t taking away from others. Taking care of you is practicing agency. It is what you have real control over. In contrast, selfishness is an attempt to control others.

The second hurdle is that people believe they aren’t making progress if they are not obsessively pursuing goals. They corrupt their passion for what they’re doing by overcompensating. They tend to know a lot about doing but nothing about being. By prioritizing oneself without guilt or shame, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with themselves and others. Both obstacles can be challenged if you sit down and have a little talk with yourself—literally.

Exercise: Uncovering Your Benevolent Self

Some strategies for cultivating self-compassion at work include practicing self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-encouragement. But how do you do this? There is a simple trick you can use to uncover your benevolent self—that part of you that generates self-compassion. It is already inside of you, waiting to be called upon. 

Finding a balance between ambition and self-kindness is essential in pursuing goals and aspirations if you don’t want to sacrifice well-being. While ambition drives people to strive for excellence and success, self-kindness ensures that they do not lose sight of their own needs and values in the process.  If you are ready to do this, grab an empty chair—it is time to chat with your benevolent witness, the source of your self-compassion.

What is self-compassion? Learn how to uncover the benevolent self.

This two-minute video shows you all the steps, but for right now, set a chair across from you and imagine your benevolent witness seated in this empty chair. This observing compassionate witness is a collection of all the people who have been kind to you, supported you, and want you to succeed. It is not imagining any one person but the amalgam of all these people who support you. We are creating that part of you that reflects all their love and wisdom and sees the best in you.

First, feel what it feels like to sit across from this benevolent witness. Allow yourself to feel the love and support that comes from this role. Then, when you are ready, ask any question you want from this compassionate self. It can be anything.

Once you’ve asked the question, reverse roles and become your own benevolent witness/compassionate self. An intriguing part here is to answer that question from the other role. This technique is known as embodied cognition and is a type of psychodrama that can help us access untapped roles inside of us, such as this compassionate self.

Allow yourself to have a dialogue. You may be very surprised by the answers you get.

The dialogues tend to go fast, usually less than five minutes and often about two. Take your time. You’re learning how to build a relationship with this inner part of yourself so your self-compassion can grow.

There are other steps to take to manage self-compassion. Setting realistic goals, celebrating small victories, and seeking support from colleagues or mentors can also contribute to a more compassionate work environment. By fostering a relationship with the compassionate part of yourself combined with facilitating a culture of self-compassion, you can promote well-being, creativity, and resilience in the face of challenges. 

Conclusion

By recognizing that everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses, you can shift your focus from comparison to self-acceptance. Practicing self-compassion in moments of self-doubt or insecurity can help build resilience against external pressures and self-confidence and self-worth. All it takes is having a little chat with yourself.