Giving the Love You Want Using Attachment Theory and Active Constructive Responding
What is love—scientifically speaking?
Love is not random. It may seem like falling in love is something that is outside what scientists can figure out. Most often, it is left to the poets and musicians to explain. But what studies show is that there are rules and dynamics about how we connect to others. Of course, there are various theories, research, and practitioners that all strive to understand these principles. However, one theory has been a staple in relationship counseling: attachment theory.
Attachment theory plays a crucial role in shaping our communication patterns and relationship dynamics. When studying how we connect to each other, relationship scientists find that attraction and repulsion, stability and ambivalence, trust and uncertainty follow certain principles. Who we choose, what attracts us to them, and why that may later repel us is the stuff of relationship science.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how individuals form emotional bonds and connections with others, particularly in the context of early childhood relationships. Developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, attachment theory has since become widely recognized and influential in the field of psychology.
Central to attachment theory is the concept of the attachment caregiving relationship, which refers to the bond between a child and their primary caregiver. This relationship plays a crucial role in shaping the child's overall emotional well-being and future relationships.
The caregiver's responsiveness, sensitivity, and consistency in meeting the child's needs are key factors in fostering a secure attachment. When caregivers provide a secure base for exploration and offer comfort and support during times of distress, children develop a sense of trust and security in their relationships.
Attachment theory suggests that individuals develop specific attachment styles based on their early caregiving experiences. These attachment styles, which include secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized, influence how individuals perceive and respond to relationships throughout their lives. Remember: this is only a theory—but it does get a lot of support both in research and practice.
Attachment styles have a significant impact on communication patterns and relationship dynamics. Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to have open and effective communication, expressing their needs and emotions in a healthy manner.
On the other hand, individuals with anxious-ambivalent attachment styles may exhibit clingy or demanding communication patterns, seeking constant reassurance and validation. Avoidant attachment styles often lead to emotional distance and a reluctance to engage in intimate communication.
How to feel more securely connected in your relationships
Understanding attachment styles can help individuals recognize and address unhealthy communication patterns, fostering healthier and more satisfying relationships. Here are some tips for applying attachment theory in everyday life:
Foster secure attachments
Prioritize building secure attachments with loved ones by being responsive, supportive, and emotionally available.
Develop self-awareness
Reflect on your own attachment style and how it may impact your relationships. Seek therapy or counseling if needed to address any unresolved attachment issues.
Improve communication
Practice open and honest communication, expressing your needs and emotions in a clear and respectful manner. Seek to understand others' perspectives and be responsive to their needs.
Create a supportive environment
Cultivate a safe and nurturing environment in your relationships where individuals feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or rejection.
Improving interpersonal relationships with active constructive responding
But beyond the principles of attachment theory, there are techniques that facilitate, strengthen, and tip the scale toward having a positive relationship—almost without regard for what your attachment style may be. Perhaps one of the most interesting methods is known as active constructive responding (ACR).
ACR is a communication technique that enhances interpersonal relationships by promoting positive and constructive interactions. It offers benefits in fostering healthy communication dynamics by looking at how you respond to someone’s good news.
A different approach than looking to childhood for relational patterns
This approach is radically different from uncovering past dynamics from the family of origin related to attachment. It is based on the here and now and emphasizes responsiveness and celebration of your partners’ good news. When researchers studied quality couples that have had long-term relationships—they found that how you celebrate the good news of your partner tells the tale of how well you’ll do and how long you’ll last. I particularly love this theory because it is ferociously simple. ACR identifies four communication patterns, yet only one helps relationships flourish and thrive.
The four patterns of responding, according to ACR
There are four patterns of responding. Active-constructive responding is the best with enthusiastic support for someone’s good news—inviting them to relive the experience. (Wow—that’s great that you got the new job—tell me how they let you know about it!)
Passive-constructive is a quiet, understated support. (Glad you got the job you wanted.)
Active-destructive is when there is direct criticism, demeaning the event. (Any more money you make in the new job will be taken away by being in the higher tax bracket.)
Finally, passive-destructive responding happens when the event is ignored and often usurped by the listener. I just bought a new car! could be the type of passive-destructive reaction to someone’s good news about getting a new job.
It is when we can genuinely and enthusiastically respond to another’s good fortune that a better relationship is likely to evolve. This means that despite your past relationships, family of origin, attachment style, or astrological signs, listening for the good things that happen to others and commenting on them is very likely to improve your relationship.
While ACR will work with any relationship—it works particularly well in intimate relationships by resulting in fewer daily conflicts, increasing mutual gratitude, and strengthening dedication and happiness.
Final thoughts: What attachment theory and ACR offer our relationships
Attachment style offers insight into the patterns used to connect at a deeper level. ACR invites you to look for moments to celebrate with others. Both involve listening to yourself and others in a way that cultivates an authentic connection. When you listen for the good things in life, the good life happens.
